“County Ambulance to 8832 Broadway, Apartment 12 for a 40 year old male, diabetic problem.”

“Are you kidding me?”
“What the heck man. This is the third time today.”
“Stop complaining dude I went their twice yesterday”
“Don’t forget to call for PD he gets crazy strong when is sugar is borderline.”
“Yeah man I have it all figured out. If it’s between 30 and 45 he gets super human strength, 18 to 20ish and he just wiggles around a little and anything lower than that and he doesn’t move at all.”
“Well it’s going to be lower than that if you guys don’t hurry up and get going.”
“Haha one of these days we should all go to breakfast and ‘pretend not to hear’ the call go out. Let nature take its course.”
-------
“County 2 is responding to 8832 Broadway Apartment 12. Do you have PD enroute to this call?”
“Affirmative NorthernCounty 2 they are 5 minutes out”
You arrive at the apartment and take your time getting all your equipment out. You know the drill. You have done this so many times here that you could go through the motions in your sleep. It’s practically muscle memory at this point. You take a couple of deep breaths of fresh air before you go into the cramped apartment. You have to give yourself a quick pep talk because the place reeks so badly. There are 7 people and three huge dogs living in an apartment smaller than your bedroom. You pray that he isn’t in the loft this time. Last time someone came here one of the crew members almost got thrown over the railing. Not to mention the fact that there is even less room to work up there.

You open the front door and you get hit with the smell of body odor and dirty dog. The grandpa is still laying in his hospital bed with grandma sitting next to him, the baby is in his car seat under the toilet, two little boys are sitting on the stairs watching dad flail around and swear, mom is sitting at the kitchen table rolling her eyes, you can hear the dogs barking upstairs.
Mom looks at you with a smirk and says “He took his insulin and forgot to eat again.”

“Ma’am this is getting out of hand. This is the 14th time we have been here this month and it’s only the 15th”

“Hehehe I know.”

Your partner is taking his time setting everything up. You both have been here enough times to know just by looking at the guy that you are going to need a lot of help holding him down.
You are hoping the cops get here quick because you don’t want to touch him. He disgusts you even when he isn’t fighting you. His long hair is greasy, his teeth are rotting, he smells terrible almost like his body is rotting just like his teeth, not ‘oh I had a long day at work’ terrible but I haven’t showered in six months terrible. His finger nails are longer than yours; his toenails are curling over, both of them have an unidentifiable substance under them. Last time you brought him to the hospital you were trying to make conversation and you asked him where he worked, his answer? “Oh haha I don’t work. I don’t like to work, that’s what I have a wife for.” As soon as he said that what little compassion you had for him went flying out the window.
The cops finally show up and empty all the extra large gloves out of your ambulance. Some of them put three pairs on. They dislike him as much as you do the only difference is they make no effort to hide it.
Four cops rush him and are trying to hold him down without letting any parts of their uniforms or bare skin touch him. The fact that everyone in the room is trying to hold their breath isn’t making things any easier.
Your partner is a lot bigger than you and still feels guilty about you getting thrown across the room last time you came here together so he decides to start the IV while you stand a safe distance away handing him stuff. You are watching with disgust as this disgusting excuse for a human fights with the people who are trying to help him. You are even more disgusted because you know as soon as he comes around he is going to laugh and apologize only to turn around and let it happen again this is so….

What makes you think you are any better than him?

What? Where did that come from?

You know where it came from. What makes you think you are any better than him? Sure you shower and you try to be responsible but seriously, what makes you think you are any better than him? Maybe I let you come here all the time because I want you to see what you really look like. The only reason you don’t look like that all the time is because I saved you. I gave you the soap and water you needed to wash all that filth off. But you are exactly like him. You let yourself get into situations that could kill your soul. You know that it’s preventable but you do it anyway. You realize that you are in over your head so you call me to come rescue you, when I do you laugh and say your sorry, you act like it’s no big deal because you know that I will save you over and over again because that’s my job. Then you turn around and let yourself get into the same situation all over again. You sit here worried that one of these days someone is going to have to go on comp because of him? Well I died for you. Next time you feel that this guy is taking advantage of your services maybe you should take a look in a mirror.

“Hey! Hello! Hey! Snap out of it and hand me the D50 before he throws one of us through the wall!”
----
Talk about a wake up call.

The Struggle

There is been a bit of a struggle going on inside of me lately.

An argument if you will.

Between what I know is right and what I know is the devil trying to get in there and confuse me. This feeling that I am wasting my time, prolonging the inevitable, that being nice to my patients is just encouraging them to call me in the middle of the night for something stupid is fighting with the knowledge that what I do is important, that I need to treat people the way I would want to be treated, the knowledge that I have been there and know what its like to be the patient.

My heart is fighting with my head.

My heart is telling me that I need to go back to church, that although I read my Bible and pray (almost) every day it isn't enough anymore,
that I need to "fellowship" with other Christians.
My head is reminding me that I grew up in church and that I don't go back because I am sick of the politics, sick of the pastors who start out preaching the word of God and following what God tells them to do but slowly become power hungry, greedy, extortionists who use their congregations trust in them to guilt trip money from the pockets of people who hardly have anything to begin with in order to build multi-million dollar houses because "God wants me to live this way" No longer caring about "the least of these" because doing so would take money out of their own pockets.

Knowing that people look down their noses at me because I chose a career over college.

Thinking that Christians would understand the concept of God calling you to do something and being surprised because they don't.

Slowly my head is starting to catch up with my heart.

Thinking that maybe two years away from church has been enough for me to get rid of some of the bitterness.
That maybe I need to stop being overly critical and not expect perfection. That I should start looking and find a pastor that cares more about preaching the Word of God than twisting the Word so he can make his Escalade payment.

I want to get back to the place where when things go right instead of thinking "Wow things fell into place again" I think "God is taking care of me."

I need to be back in that place.

I need to stop fighting with myself.

In many ways I have grown and become a better person over the last two years. But in other ways I have deteriorated. I have become more self sufficient but in doing so I haven't been giving credit where credit is due.

I have gone from "feeling" everything and having other peoples problems affect me to having this wall up so nothing hurts, nothing affects me, almost an indifference. A necessary evil but there are times when I want to shut it off and can't. I don't want to be a blubbering mess every time something happens but I also don't want to be indifferent.

When I was a teenager my faith was strong. I knew what God wanted to do with my life and I went with it. I felt him on a regular basis. I KNEW he loved me, that he would show me what to do and as long as I just went with it life would work out.

Now its like there are some dings and rust holes in my faith.

I keep telling myself that things are going to work out but my heart and head are fighting about that to. I'm scared.

For the first time in a very long time I am scared.

I am sitting around have a lot of trouble falling asleep so I was on Ted Dekkers (my favorite author) website, reading his blog.
Since I have had writers block as of late here is a blog from an AMAZING writer. I will say though that it is his fault I have gone to work exhausted every time I get on of his books. I can't put them down.
Without further ado....
--

Guilty of Hate?December 5, 2007
I’ve been pummeled with a realization as of late: I will be hated for my hate and so will you if you’re anything like me. Not because we actually hate, but because there will come a time soon when what you believe will be interpreted as a kind of hatred. It all boils down to that cute little word, tolerance. Let me explain.In practicum tolerance flies in the face of Jesus’ teachings. His challenge wasn’t to endure your neighbor but to love them as you love yourself -- give them your coat if they are cold, your food if they are hungry, lay down your life for them as he did. So then we should go far beyond mere tolerance to loving. This is how we should treat Muslims and Hindus and Rednecks and even those who live in Washington. How can that be construed as a kind of hatred?Here’s the rub. Although Jesus is perhaps best known for his insistence that we love our neighbors as we love ourselves, he was also equally insistent that he was the only way, the only truth, and the only life by which men can be saved from a terrible end. He wasn’t speaking about Christianity, mind you, or any other organized religion stuffed full of rules and traditions that purportedly lead to God. He was speaking of himself.Saying ‘Unless you follow Jesus you can’t enter heaven,’ calls those who don’t follow Jesus substandard and ultimately damned. Foolish even. It’s like calling all Hindus foolish or stupid because they are Hindu. Sounds a bit like call a white person stupid because they are white, doesn’t it? Like racism.And this is why the day is coming soon when those who speak about the teachings of Jesus will be thought of as bigots and why their speech supporting these teachings will be classified as no different than racially deriding slurs. Hate Speech. So, there you have it. One day soon, those who follow the one who insisted we love our neighbors will be accused of hate mongers for following him. I’m not one to think with a narrow mind, you probably see that in my writting. I don’t spend energy condemning those who eat meat, or drink wine, or listen to grunge music (assuming the genre still exists.) The great battle of our generation is found in the corridors of ideology and faith, not in the much more easily regulated borders of ‘dos and don’ts.’ Many will fall from the faith in that day, Jesus predicted. They will be hated for what they believe, not for what they do or don’t do.Your greatest challenge over the next ten years will be fought in your heart. The only question is whether you will continue to follow the way of Jesus or bow to society’s demand that you deny him with your silence.Now there’s a loaded blog…
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Told you he's amazing.

Marithons and Paramedic Refreshers

Long time no post I know. Life has been pretty crazy as of late. I have been working waaay to many hours and stressing about getting my CMEs done on time I also realized last week that I have to refresh my paramedic pretty soon. To be completely honest I am TERRIFIED. When I finished paramedic class and had to do my practical/state written tests I really had nothing to lose if I failed. Now I do. That scares me.

On a happier note I was just presented with the opportunity to run the Marine Corp Marathon. I am really considering it. I have never run farther than 6 miles but I think if I started training now I might be able to pull it off. It would be for a good cause too. The group I would be going with would be raising money for TAPS (Tragedy Assistance Program For Survivors) and it would be in memory of a guy I knew who died in Iraq.
I am going to pray about it for a couple days and then make a final decision.

DOAs and Druggies

I have gone on a DOA call every shift for the last 4 shifts. Everybody in our district seems to be dying. I have worked here for just under a year and up until last week I had done 1 DOA in the ENTIRE year. Then all of the sudden I do 4 DOAs in 4 shifts. Weird.

We had a call for an MVA the other day. A small car rear ended an SUV. The kid in the small car was stoned and driving on a suspended license. Obiously he got arrested. The cops had the kids in the SUV move their car to a car dealership parking lot accros the street. The kids were acting all shady when I was interviewing them. I figured they were freaking out because their moms car just got hit. Well next thing you know the cops are leading the kids away in handcuffs. Turns out the morons were trying to hide acid in the dealership cars.
If the idiots had just acted cool the cops would have had no idea the kids had acid on them and they wouldnt have had a reason to search them.
It was pretty amusing.

College and Careers

I am sorry that you are so convinced that being a paramedic is "Bellow" me and that I am not living up to my full potential because I am a paramedic. Do you have any idea what a paramedic even does?
I know you think I need to go to college and continue my education. I agree. But I am going to do it when it is right for me. I will know when the time is right. I ALWAYS know when the time is right. Then and only then will I act on it.
I am not slacking off and I am not delaying my education. I am waiting until the time is right.
Yes I want to get a degree but now is not the right time for me. I LOVE MY JOB. I get fed up with the politics, the pay, the frequent fliers but you know what? IT'S PART OF THE JOB.
This is what I was called to do. Why do you think that I am just going to randomly decide one day that this job isn't "fun" anymore?
Why do you think that just because I get a degree "THIS MINUTE" I will automatically make a ton more money?
Why do people think that God called everyone in the world to be rich? He didn't call me to be rich he called me to be obedient. I am being obedient so everything else is going to fall into place. IT ALWAYS DOES WHEN I OBEY!

I may not make a ton of money but I am extremely responsible with what I do make. I may not be able to go out and buy something expensive every time I want to but if I want something bad enough I am more than capable of saving my money so I can get it and you know what? I appreciate what I have a lot more because of it.

I will never get rich doing this job but being rich isn't important to me.

This is a CAREER. It may not be glamorous but it is a career and I wouldn't be satisfied doing anything else.

Shady, just...Shady

I just want to say to you that you are really lucky that
A) I consider myself a professional
and
B) You weren't there when I got called at 4 am for an 8 year old male with rectal bleeding.

What kind of freaking person does that to a kid.
What kind of urgent care center sees the extent of the rectal bleeding, does an exam says "Oh he has some rectal trauma" AND SENDS HIM HOME WITH STOOL SOFTENERS. Who cares that he is changing his underwear every 10 minutes because of the blood.
Even worse what kind of mother makes excuses and says "Oh well he said he scratched himself"
Let me tell you you stupid %*($&% your son was very articulate for an 8 year old and he asked very good questions and answered my questions without any hesitation but when I came to "that" question not only did he hesitate for a good 15 seconds but his eyes filled up with tears and he was TERRIFIED and wouldn't look me in the eye. HE SHUT DOWN.
I have had to ask "that question" before and the kid adamantly denied it. NO HESITATION.
There is a reason that when they asked him the same question at the hospital he started throwing up and had a freaking SYNCOPAL EPISODE.
You are fluffing this off like it is nothing. You SMIRKED at the nurse when she asked how your son"scratched" himself that deeply. I don't think you are the one who did this to your son but you are just as guilty for knowing and not doing anything about it.